DEAR DAVID: A few months ago, my wife got a promotion. This means more money for us, but also more responsibility for her. One of her methods of dealing with this new pressure is drinking. We used to have a glass of wine with dinner and a beer or two on the weekends, but now it seems like she can’t relax until she has a buzz. Every night when she gets home, she bolts for the fridge and drinks until she relaxes. I’ve told her my concerns and she assures me that she’s fine. But I’m worried.
Concerned Husband Anxiously Fears
Wife’s Alcoholism
DEAR CHAFWA: Remember that alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. Like any other disease, it must be taken seriously and treated with the utmost–
Oh, wait, alcoholism? No, that isn’t a disease, I was thinking of Blount’s Disease. Hah! Blount. I always get those two mixed up.
So your wife is an alcoholic. Have you tried showing off your clean, healthy liver? Next time you’re grooming it, make sure it’s in plain sight. Over time, her jealousy might just build to the point where she has to stop drinking, if only to win the liver-off you have so cleverly set in motion.
She might drink less if there were less alcohol around, so why don’t you suggest letting the dog have some? It is hard to say no to a dog.
You might also try swapping her liquor out for water while she’s at work. If successful, the water will act as a placebo and she won’t even know that she isn’t really drunk. However, she might know right away, get angry, and hit you. So watch out for the hitting.
Whatever you do, the most important thing is that you be understanding. It might be easier to decide to quit alcohol than it is to decide to quit having parasites in your blood, but you shouldn’t remind her of that because then she might get sad and drink more to make herself feel better. Be considerate.
On the other hand, you could always try becoming an alcoholic yourself, so that at least there isn’t a discrepancy. Sometimes, alcoholism can be easier than dealing with your problems and slightly more fun than enduring them.
Concerned Husband Anxiously Fears
Wife’s Alcoholism
DEAR CHAFWA: Remember that alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. Like any other disease, it must be taken seriously and treated with the utmost–
Oh, wait, alcoholism? No, that isn’t a disease, I was thinking of Blount’s Disease. Hah! Blount. I always get those two mixed up.
So your wife is an alcoholic. Have you tried showing off your clean, healthy liver? Next time you’re grooming it, make sure it’s in plain sight. Over time, her jealousy might just build to the point where she has to stop drinking, if only to win the liver-off you have so cleverly set in motion.
She might drink less if there were less alcohol around, so why don’t you suggest letting the dog have some? It is hard to say no to a dog.
You might also try swapping her liquor out for water while she’s at work. If successful, the water will act as a placebo and she won’t even know that she isn’t really drunk. However, she might know right away, get angry, and hit you. So watch out for the hitting.
Whatever you do, the most important thing is that you be understanding. It might be easier to decide to quit alcohol than it is to decide to quit having parasites in your blood, but you shouldn’t remind her of that because then she might get sad and drink more to make herself feel better. Be considerate.
On the other hand, you could always try becoming an alcoholic yourself, so that at least there isn’t a discrepancy. Sometimes, alcoholism can be easier than dealing with your problems and slightly more fun than enduring them.
